24 October, 2021

LitStaff Pick: Mashups We Would Love to Read

The Girl with the Dragon Prejudice

Suppose one day that the writers Jane Austen and Stieg Larsson happened to bump into one another while walking down a city sidewalk.  Unaware that both had suffered minor concussions as a result of the collision, the two returned to their respective homes to continue writing their respective novels.

Having returned from his walk, Mr. Larsson found himself at odds with a passage for the novel he was currently writing.  One of his principal characters was involved in a confrontation of sorts.  “Please do forgive my intrusion upon your time, Advokat Bjurman.  I have unfortunately found myself in need of sustenance and upon perusing my cupboards at home have indeed found myself lacking in any and all foodstuffs.  In addition to my lack of food, I find myself in the unfortunate position of having no currency with which to purchase such necessary items.  I do hope you will find yourself willing to advance me the sum of 10,000 kronor for this evening,” she said hopefully.

Advokat Bjurman stepped closer to her, ”My dear Miss Bennett, if you’re nice to me I’ll be nice to you.”

Elizabeth looked at the man in horror and took not one but two steps back from him.  “Am I to understand sir, that you expect me to put that in my mouth?”  She lowered her brow and in a most aggressive and intimidating fashion spewed forth the following tongue lashing. “I must tell you sir that I am not to be intimidated into anything so wholly unreasonable.  You have widely mistaken my character, if you think I can be worked on by such persuasions as these. You have insulted me in every possible method. I must beg to return to my home.  Before I do so, I must ask you once again sir for the 10,000 kronor for the purchase of groceries.”

Shocked and frightened by the young woman’s words, Advokat Bjurman began to have second thoughts about his evening’s recreations.

On the other side of the continent, Ms. Austen was nearly finished with her novel which she planned to title Pride and Prejudice.  She found herself struggling with a confrontation between the main character Lisbeth and her intended’s Aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

The socially superior, Lady Catherine looked down her nose at Lisbeth and scowled. “How can you possibly think that a marriage between you and my nephew could ever take place?  While it is true that your father is a gentleman, your mother is of ill birth, and runs about screeching in the manor of an anxious barnyard fowl.  And that is nothing compared to the distain I feel toward that bizarre birthmark on your back, which resembles nothing so much as a large salamander.”

Lisbeth raised her eyebrow and stared at the woman.

“Now I shall not leave this place until I have your assurance that you will not accept a proposal of marriage from my nephew.  Go ahead, say it. I shan’t leave without it.”

Lisbeth thought for a moment about the woman’s demand.  She sighed and gently reached behind her back and extracted from her tulle striped, empire waist dress, a small, black object, which she aimed at Lady Catherine.  Taking a moment to depress the objects trigger, she gave the woman her response in the form of 75,000 volts.

-Lisa Emig

11 thoughts on “LitStaff Pick: Mashups We Would Love to Read

  1. You're not serious right?
    I'm part of the "metaphorical they" partly because I love Austen, partly because I have taste. And this, this is nothing but BS.

    1. To each his own, TubA. We love Austen. We love her language and the beautiful way she connects and intertwines her characters and plots. We also love genre fiction and, yes, that includes zombies and the like. P&P&Z, we thought, spoke to our funny bone and, perhaps, introduced a younger generation to Austen's great works via the silliness of the mashup. Relax. It's escapism.

      1. I'm perfectly calm, thank you, and I bought the book because I thought it would be awesome. I mean Austen and zombies to great things together? It had to be amazing. And I still believe it could have been.
        But it wasn't, it was repetitive, silly, un-funny and completely missed the entire point of the original story.

        But the day someone writes a proper P&P&Z I'll be the first in line.

        1. So did you like 'Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter' ? Perhaps it's just Grahame-Smith's humor you didn't enjoy? I got a chuckle out of it. I also really enjoyed reading our staff picks. There is some great creativity among our contributors. What mashup would you like to see?

  2. I was put of by P&P&Z so I haven't read any other mashups. Don't think I will for a long time.

    The only mashup I would like to see is Seth Grahame-Smiths body in a giant blender with 200 copies of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It would most likely make a nice pink smoothie and the world would be a better place.

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