Learning to Live and Love | “Because We Must” a Memoir

In This LitStack Review of Because We Must

Finding Her Voice

When first asked by her son whether she would write about him, Tracy Youngblom responded with an emphatic, resounding no. At this time, Tracy was fighting for any surviving normalcy of her family’s lives and for attentive medical care for her son, Elias, who had just suffered a life-threatening car accident at the hands of a random drunk driver on his way home from school in Minnesota. While Elias would thankfully survive this traumatic crash—with somehow even his positive outlook and sense of humor intact—the ripples of this life-altering event would echo through his and his family’s life, as he was rendered blind during the surgeries underwent to save his life. Wanting to avoid monetizing off of this traumatic life event, Tracy’s first instinct was to reject even the idea of writing this book. But as her son thoughtfully pointed out, Tracy’s story is one that deserves space to exist, that deserves to be heard and shared as a mother learning to navigate the extreme way her son and family’s lives were upended on a seemingly innocuous day in March 2015. Elias’ accident and road to recovery through Tracy’s lens is not just a static story, but an ongoing story about the unrelenting struggle to cope and heal. Rather than a simply triumphant book about being resilient, her story is an unflinchingly honest account of what it means to become resilient–the fluctuation and range of emotions, unceasing obstacles and resulting need to problem-solve, and the challenge to find time and ways to grieve and feel safe again in the face of the senselessness of life.

In this insightful, frank memoir, Tracy explores the treacherous waters of her experience with her son’s accident and its aftermath; how the unpredictable and painful experience of just living can force a life to take a new shape. Her perspective in writing this book is not meant to recount and monetize her son’s accident, but to bring life into statistics, medical sterility, and what it really means to move forward through tragedy. In her forthcoming memoir, Because We Must, Tracy Youngblom explores her personal experience with grief and motherhood; her ways of navigating and negotiating the new terms in the constantly changing terrain of life and confronting its terrifying possibilities. This book is an account of what it means to be a mother, and what it means to live.

Absurdity and Faith

The core of [Elia’s accident] made no sense. I didn’t think writing about it could change that; I couldn’t imagine offering any helpful perspective.
Because We Must – 2

While Tracy’s initial hesitancy in writing this book was largely driven by a discomfort with the idea of capitalizing on this traumatic experience, it becomes clear that her hesitancy also lay in the immediacy of her grief from this incomprehensible accident, and her resulting inability to reason with the accident as a whole. There was no identifiable reason as to why this accident should have happened to her son—it was a typical spring afternoon, and Elias in that moment was just an average college student driving home on a routine trip. There was no bad weather to blame, he was driving attentively, the daylight provided the kind of clear visibility that provides most with a sense of security on the open road. It was a random inebriated driver on the road in the middle of the day, an element of complete unpredictability, and one that seems incompatible with the scene that preceded. The chaos and trauma that the accident then caused held an unreal quality–if there was no logical reasoning for this event which so drastically altered the course of Elias and his family’s life, how could Tracy ever find the words to capture it, or even more than that, write something that would change what happened, or prevent the possibility of such accidents–how would she be able to use her writing to offer anything of use to the world from it? But it is how Tracy writes about the unintelligibility of this accident and its surrounding grief that precisely offers her readers a realistic support through grief—she writes from her experience, and holds nothing back when relaying the complexity and absurdity of tragedy.

Expounding upon this absurdity, Tracy struggles to find reasoning and faith in the aftermath–there is no logic to the accident, and certainly no way to justify its aftermath as a part of a predestined plan for good. Recounting some of the time spent in the hospital after the accident, Tracy recalls her family taking turns in reading sections from the iconic children’s book, Tales of Despereaux. This leads her into analyzing the story’s consuming, addictive quality that propelled them to keep reading–one action directly leads to another because it must. What Tracy identifies is the narrative imperative; the idea that stories follow a rise and fall of a plot line, and are so consuming because they impart a sense of knowing that something is coming, and anything that follows feels logical (80). But what is next for her son, for family, for her? This is where Tracy’s title hails from, this concept of exploring the imperative that forces us to move forward, much like any story must move forward. There is no clear reasoning, no logical explanation, no causation on Elias’ part as for why he ended up in this accident, and no imperative that caused their story to find itself where it met them in the hospital room. Despite this, their imperative is what follows the accident–they must all continue to find a way forward.

What was most horrifying about this information was the straightforward way in which it was recorded in Elias’s records. Sterile terms were used to describe my son’s near-death experience.
Because We Must – 142

But continuing to trudge forward is no easy task, and this journey continued to call into question Tracy’s concept of faith at every turn. As a mother, Tracy felt it necessary to take on the role of the “strong one”—the pragmatic planner, the unflagging rock who could hold her family together, the one who never stopped believing that her son would survive. While Tracy was there for every moment, attentively noting every doctor’s prognosis and prescription, this book allows her to share the actual difficulty of swallowing these moments and attempting to take them in stride when they were entirely incompatible with the life she imagined for her son. She depicts the strange, out-of-body quality of the time in the hospital by creating a chapter written as a play, capturing the absurdity of the treatment her son received. The cold and clinical nature of the hospital is juxtaposed with her son’s condition and her thoughts; the doctors literally dancing around her son in a fashion symbolic of the unreal way that the most weighty, horrifying medical updates and decisions were performed with a sterility that seemed to ignore the reality of the situation. In a reality this absurd, where even the unfeelingness of Elias’ medical treatment is incongruent of the seriousness of the situation, how is one meant to have faith that everything will work out, and that her son is being adequately cared for?

I wish now I had stood up–for myself, for Elias–and had told that nurse how much I hated all this pressure to justify a senseless tragedy. I didn’t share her vision or her faith that there was a plan.
Because We Must – 83

The “how” of faith is not something given to Tracy, but something that she must figure out for herself. She creates routine and even superstitions, such as listening to the same songs on her way to the hospital and purposefully cutting off the same song every time it almost denies the existence of a god, just in case it might hurt the chances of her son’s survival. This part of grief is heavy—as Tracy describes it, “belief is so burdensome” (110). These routines and superstitions, however, are necessary to her continuing to show up every day, to keep hope alive for her family and her son so that they can all keep fighting for another day. Still, this faith has its limitations. When a nurse comes to tell her son that he cannot give up, that God has plans for him and his voice in the future, Tracy finds herself upset by this projection of the nurse’s faith. Given the many absurdities of the situation—the lack of narrative imperative, so to speak, as well as the sterility of Elias’ medical care that followed—how could she share the faith in a greater power behind this tragedy? While Tracy was doing everything she could to be strong and have faith in Elias’ recovery, this accident did not promise any better future for him than what had been planned prior to the accident. It was a struggle enough to try and understand this accident and have hope in Elias’ recovery, but there was truly no reasonable justification of faith that this was how his life was meant to go. This range of emotions and oscillation from faith to hopelessness captures the depths of grief as they meet hope—an attempt to continue moving forward even when what life promises is unclear.

Grief and Guilt

Maybe we are freest to grieve in the places where we are most comfortable.
Because We Must – 61

This continual struggle to understand or justify Elias’ accident led into the waves of grief that followed. While grateful for Elias’ survival, gratitude is not the only emotion experienced in the aftermath of tragedy, and Tracy is incredibly candid about this experience. Tracy refuses to simplify Elias’ accident or the pain it caused, and there is no easy path into accepting that there is not a greater plan driving them forward. Recovery is not the end of their story, but the beginning, the middle, and the end. When Elias first comes home, Tracy manages to capture the gravity of reality’s transformation and subsequent grief for what has been lost, even in the seemingly smallest ways their lives have massively been altered. Without sight, Elias will no longer be rushing in and out of the door as he used to, throwing down his keys or running up the stairs. For the first time, outside of the sterile hospital context, Tracy can feel the way that the world has changed; their lives have changed. Having rugs in their home is now a hazard; stairs an impediment; the kitchen island fear-inducing. Outside of the strange unreality of the hospital, she is forced to consider the vast difference of life for her son, for her family, and for herself. What was once considered the peak of comfort and normalcy, their home, has now become the first site of discomfort and overwhelming grief for what once was.

Getting out of bed each morning requires concentration and effort, a will to haul my ponderous mass of affliction with me as I move through my day.
Because We Must – 65

Everything now has a new weight, as Tracy puts it, and everything, even getting out of bed, necessitates great motivation. Tracy’s personification of grief as a daily weight is detailed and arresting. Going to the grocery store and handling surface-level interactions through sudden tragedy is incredibly heavy to bear, and this type of weight makes one desperate to unload some of it, any of it. Tracy finds herself wanting to bare her family’s life story unprovoked to strangers, wanting to relieve herself of even a part of the weight she feels. But, in the manner of her role as a mother, the rock of her family, she continues to shoulder this daily pain alone, and wears her impenetrable mask even after she leaves the hospital, unable to shake the need to handle her pain privately. What was once a coping mechanism and a way of keeping hope alive in her family has become a part of Tracy’s daily routine, and extends to the way she must perform that life is moving forward, even if for her it feels like each day is an insurmountable obstacle. She turns inward, and hides her pain so that it cannot permeate the already difficult compulsion to move forward. Her account illuminates the way grief can feel like a free-fall, yet her role as a mother seems to necessitate that she find a way to keep it together. Tracy illustrates the loneliness in experiencing motherhood and grief wed together. In navigating motherhood through tragedy, she is confronted with the heaviness of her own grief while trying to buoy her son, their family, and manage the every day that keeps their world functioning even when she is just barely carrying on.

I wish my son had his literal sight. I wish I could adjust as well as he has.
Because We Must – 164

Part of the heft of this grief was its accompanying sense of guilt—each realization of how things could be different was added new weight. While Elias appeared to maintain an incredible sense of optimism in adjusting after the accident, Tracy struggled to motivate herself to move forward. She continued to privately mourn the loss of her son’s sight, and the life that she wanted for him. Her grief brought her to guilt—guilt for not letting him drive her newer car, which might have protected him better in the crash; guilt for her rigidity that may have prevented him from experiencing more moments of happiness before his accident; guilt for not being able to adjust to their new lives as well as he was. Elias was motivated in his physical therapy, in figuring out how to continue being involved in his passion for music and marching band, in learning the spatial awareness and skills he needed to become independent again. But with the weight of her grief and guilt for how things could have been different, it was difficult for Tracy to have the same enthusiasm to accept how life had changed. Tracy wanted her son to have all of the typical opportunities for his age—to finish college on schedule, to fall in love, to take his love for music to its full potential. She could not have imagined this altered course for her son, and the new obstacles to these goals. Even in this most unfamiliar and extreme circumstance, Tracy comes to ultimately fundamental questions of parenting and parental guilt—how might she have better protected her child, and how could she continue to protect and nurture him now?

Compromising and Coping

Instead of providing words, I have cooked something good, attempting to make him happy about food at least. Maybe that simple happiness will be contagious, spread out and affect his mood about other things. I believe I am trying to help him adjust, but on some level I know I am also trying to make myself feel better.
Because We Must – 67

In her role as a parent, these questions are part of Tracy’s unending commitment to caring for her child. She carries this sense of guilt and responsibility for Elias’ wellbeing into his recovery, and they shape and inform her actions. Following the accident, Tracy cooks Elias’ favorite dinner in hopes to make him feel a little better and help him adjust. But, as she points out with unflinching honesty, it is also for her—to make her feel better if she is able to demonstrate her love and emotionally pad her son’s experience of the pain of such extreme life adjustments. She cannot find the words to comfort him, so she tries to at least impact him with small joys such as a favorite home-cooked meal, or by bridging the gaps of Elias’ recovery with the support of her presence—driving him to all of his appointments, bringing him to his first independent bus ride, and defending him against those who do not understand how to handle his disability. Again, Tracy is honest and self-aware of the ways that this process of adjustment for Elias is also tinged with her own perspective, motivations, and hopes; her own motivations for managing the grief and impossibility of motherhood in uncharted territory.

I have never suggested dessert in place of dinner before. My former self would have rebelled against it. But I am not sure I would recognize my former self, and anyway there are no rules now; perhaps there never should have been rigid rules in the first place.
Because We Must – 68

Further exploring this concept of guilt and parenting through tragedy, Tracy describes an unconscious impulse to re-evaluate her style of parenting before the accident. While she had never allowed younger Elias to have dessert before dinner in an effort to instill healthy eating habits, his rejection of her prepared meal does not make her upset as it might have previously. Instead, it causes her to suggest that they go out for ice cream. Making Elias’ favorite meal is a method of comforting him through familiar nostalgia, but this is a world of change. His rejection of the familiar forces her to think of new forms of comfort, forms that may not have fit in her previous view of parenting. As she forges this new path into parenting precipitated by the accident, Tracy is learning to navigate a changing landscape; devising new, perhaps less stringent rules to manage the difficulties of adjusting and prioritize introducing joy into her son’s altered life. These recalibrations demonstrate tragedy’s necessity of revised priorities, and the challenges of motherhood from a shifted perspective.

My strict routine is a talisman against the next unpredictable event that might be the death of me. This impression of control is a false equivalency, but I trust it for now.
Because We Must – 96

Despite her compromises, Tracy’s adjustments also require a new form of rigidity. As previously mentioned, she took on new routines, superstitions, and made herself readily available and present at all times during Elias’ recovery. These ways of staying involved and busy were not only important for Elia’ care, but their family’s wellbeing, and Tracy herself. As she believed, if she were to fall apart, her son might die. In order to be the rock she needed to be as Elias’ mother and main line of support, Tracy’s life took a new shape. Her priorities shifted from being a consistent runner and recreational volleyball player into someone just getting through the day. She began eating the same breakfast every day, and deviated little from her schedule of teaching, caring for her dog, practicing yoga, showering, and making dinner. While her revised parenting role required change and leniency, Tracy’s personal life took the opposite approach in order to find some sense of balance. Realizing the truly unpredictable quality of life, Tracy’s life adjustments demonstrate the human need to find some kind of equilibrium to feel control again, no matter how little it might actually affect life’s ability to derail at any given moment. Because life compels constant change, Tracy enforces structure, and even regulates her time to grieve by parceling out the moments she can feel angry about her son’s accident into a couple of minutes before she must return to her routine. As she depicts, in the face of uncertainty and sudden tragedy, life becomes a balancing act to attempt to regain control and reset course.

Fear and Freedom

Now we have redefined ordinary, recalculated benefits—as we are forced to do with everything else in our lives.
Because We Must – 134

Ultimately, however, there is no controlling life—it is all-consuming, and one must continue to persist. Life is a constant process of forced redefinition, recalculation, and resetting. The question that remains is why, in the face of this unending conflict, we persist. On page 94, Tracy pulls a poignant quote from the Milk Carton Kids— “Freedom comes from being unafraid of the heartache that can plague a man”. This quote seems to define Elias’ motivation, and perhaps Tracy’s own, in persisting: the hope and belief in becoming free from the fear of life’s tragedies to take in the good. Despite the accident, Elias still maintains the strength to pursue his dreams. It may not have been the path anyone expected, but his positivity and industriousness allows him to still become independent, to fall in love and get married, to follow his love for music into a career; to have a full life. Incredibly, he seems to fearlessly conquer the obstacles in his path, and truly be free to enjoy what he loves despite all he has endured. Tracy, however, struggles with this concept of freedom after experiencing the senseless tragedy and grief life also has to offer. Unlike Elias, she often finds herself afraid—afraid of Elias’ first time taking the bus alone, afraid of the dangers of him living alone, afraid of how he will continue to carve a path for himself in the music world. One might liken this to essentially a second experience of raising a child, but with even more treacherous circumstances to consider; once again, Tracy is a mother afraid for the well-being and adjustment of her son to adult life.

I missed him already as I made my way home, but when I stopped for gas and texted that message to him, he didn’t respond. I thought he would always live close by, that I could tend his life, help him grow and thrive and aim for the future he wants. It is bitter and it is sweet—because that is what I have done.
Because We Must – 188

This fear, however, also seems to be the exact thing that awakens in Tracy her sense of hope. Though her grief and fear continue to come in ever-present waves, she is also able to realize the need to move forward from her fear in watching her son progress into independent life. Once again, she is forced to adjust to the idea of her son no longer needing her as much as he spreads his wings into independent life. Tracy was ever-present and heavily involved in every aspect of Elias’ recovery, and as he progresses to a point of independence, he no longer needs her as much as he did immediately following his accident. This causes her to miss her son, and in a certain way, the conjoined life they lived through his physical adjustments and her own grief. It is a bittersweet moment to be a mother realizing that their child does not need them as much as they once did—a sadness for the loss of closeness and dependency once shared, but also a joy in watching them employ the skills you raised them with to be independent. This fear and the bittersweetness of watching her child leave the nest is a realization of what might be the most typical part of this path for her as a mother with her child. It is because Elias charges forward into independent life that Tracy is able to confront a new future of hope for her son, and because of that, herself.

I want to believe that heaviness and introspection, doubt and fury, and abject helplessness have not forced me to stay this way forever. I want to believe that my ability to experience love and tenderness have not been subsumed by my need to avoid breaking down; a need that once served a vital purpose and maybe still does.
Because We Must – 102

Her mind no longer solely occupied by her duties as a mother, she can now take stock of how her life has changed since the accident. Her coping mechanisms have served their purpose, and she can now imagine a future beyond them, a hopeful albeit difficult-to-reach horizon. While she can never forget this tragedy and the grief in adjusting to it, she has to hope that her ability to experience weightless love and freedom from fear will return to her; that the flow of life will return to her as it has her son. What she strives for is perhaps a new kind of freedom; one that takes into account the experiences of a decade of adjustments, and sees her son and herself in their recalibrated relationship and life as they exist now. Tracy identifies the grief and her coping mechanisms, and even gives them a kind of appreciative acknowledgement of how they have helped her get by. But as life keeps moving, there is a hope to find more balance between her life before Elias’ accident and her life now.

It is this land where I live, where I must keep learning what freedom entails: for him, exhilaration; for me, longing, which is an essential part of love.
Because We Must – 190

Where this book ends is in a place of hopeful longing, and a rumination on what it means to be a mother and what it means to love. In the moment of leaving Elias with his wife and her family, she realizes that he is self-sufficient, and even happy—he doesn’t need her. And while this is difficult to process, Tracy also has the realization of gratitude and pride in having raised a son who could overcome such trials and tribulations to pursue his own joy. Love in a sense necessitates freedom; the freedom to let go to let the things and people we love flourish. Their story has not ended although the book has, and the ending itself is open-ended as she explores the idea of her mother-identity as being one of longing. While her son will experience the excitement of living his life and growing through the changes of adulthood, she will always love and long for him. This longing is a gift, in a way—the fact she is able to wish this happiness, excitement, and freedom for him in this next step of his life. As Tracy beautifully captures, life will continue because it must, and the only hope amongst this uncertainty is to preserve our ability to be free to love.

~ Rylie Fong

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About Tracy Youngblom, Author of Because We Must

Tracy Youngblom is a Minnesota-born-and-raised writer and teacher. She is happiest when outside, sifting her fingers through the soil in her gardens or hiking trails in her neighborhood or the woods. She earned an M.A. in English from the University of St. Thomas and an MFA in Poetry from the Warren Wilson Program for Writers. She has been teaching college English since 1996, at a variety of schools, but has been happily settled at Anoka-Ramsey Community College since 2004.

She has published two chapbooks of poems, two full-length collections of poems, and one memoir. In addition, she has published poems, stories, and essays in journals including Shenandoah, St. Katherine Review, Cortland Review, Blue Mountain Review, Briar Cliff Review, Bloom, North Dakota Review, Weave, The Phoenix, Potomac Review, Poetry East, Minnesota Monthly, and other places.

You can connect with Tracy Youngblom on her website.

Sources: Publisher, Tracy Youngblom
Publisher: University of Massachusetts Press
ISBN: 9781625348524
Pub Date: Mar 7, 2025

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